Rage of the Firelands is a pretty apt name for this content patch. Mostly the rage part, Blizzard set a pretty strong tone right off the bat by trashing our under water aqua disco instance. I mean one of the major themes of this xpac was THE WHOLE FUCKING UNDERWATER KINGDOM IN THE OCEAN. You know the one with the instances, the seahorse all that shit. Yea it was kinda a big deal. I was expecting an SSC 2.0. I yearn for giants made of muck and fungus to tbag our raid. I was expecting to ride around on a fucking seahorse with a 6 pack throwing seashells into the eyes of some sort of hentai squid fucking thing. Then maybe a boss with bubbles all over the room that require you to like collect bubbles into the center of the room by getting into them and running so you can form a super bubble to battle some sort of giant clam that spits out crabs. The last boss? Oh yea it would have been Cthulhu, or maybe something that looks like Cthulhu, maybe lore-wise it would be the bastard child of neptunium drunken one night stand with a mantis prawn one he doesn’t call or anything. you know Cthulhu kinda Derpy but super strong, retard strength and all. You’d battle it like shadow of the colossus and the raid splits up climbing up this bitch and idk maybe you cut a hole and go inside him with one team so you can stomp on his liver.....something like that. I WANT THAT SHIT. Would have been fucking awesome, Well at least my version of it would have been. Oh and one of the drops would have been a shield that’s like an old shitty tire with a hermit crab in it, has a chance to pinch the fuck out of an attacker. Alas I'm not in charge of loot design or instance design....yet. What I'm trying to say is we got a big fuck you right from the start.
On to the fire part of the story. The encounters of Firelands really made you feel like Blizzard could have done great things with this tier of content. In-fact the foundations were laid for a "WE'RE BACK WHORES" content patch. But with the cancellation of half the content and the general "almost there" feel for a lot of the boss fights the good enough club really hits you in the face. All of the boss mechanics were well implemented and made the fights a unique event. Wow generally has 2 kinds of fights. The ones that you reference by the name of the boss your fighting and the ones you reference by the name of the boss the mechanic copys. All of the fights in Firelands are fights you’ll end up using as references for future fights which is quite a credit to the design staff. That being said they gave little resistance to the push that was the SF war effort.
SF VS RAG
From the onset of the Rag fight I feel that everyone believed he would be a couple weeks of learning then a kill. FUCK did we fuck this shit up that bad. Sure the fight has a few mechanics that needed some work but COMMON Its like we had themes for every day of the raid week. Drink battery acid Wednesdays, Run into walls Thursdays. Eyeball shots Mondays. The fight has little in the way of exceptionally difficult mechanics. The kill was ours for the taking like a prom dates virginity, we even had a head start for fucks sakes. I mean shit our competition was a bunch of special ed kids that play math blaster during most of the week. Our arrogance and lack of concentration resulted in constant setbacks on the simplest of shit. from sons to FUCKING MOVING FORWARD AND BACKWARDS. We managed to invent ways to not win. Words don’t really exist for the fucking terribleness we put into this fight. Not only was our performance terrible but we had a raid with more problems than a Vietnam war vet. 1 Hunter wasted every Wednesday talking to a zombie Jew for , a Druid with a severe case of narcolepsy, a Mexican hooked on blow and ponies, our fearless leader who is part moth and is oddly attracted to fire/bug zappers and then comes me, ill leave that judgment to my peers. Together, we managed to form a new justice league of terrible. The league of retarded gentlemen + lady. Enough about our failures.
We dropped the ball pretty hard on rag so the sweeping Firelands nefs come around on Tuesday and allow us to tear apart the farm content with more or less ok drops for the week. The damage reduction and reduction in add health lead us to making final phase progress with in the first attempt. Smelling the kill we MANAGE TO ALMOST FUCK UP THE KILL. The minorly(not sure a word) important task of Deluge was delegated to our previously mentioned superhero Marrtyr. Well he dies by taking a Meteor to the face. Smelling our impending doom Methios takes up the role of water sprinkler and runs around with literally no idea wtf he is doing and buys the raid enough time to LET A HEALER AND TANK DIE. Based on the superhuman abilities of our tank we buy enough time to whittle down rags health to 0 granting us the months behind glory of a Rag kill.
WoL
Once in a while I like to take a moment an reflect about not only my time in Spike Flail about the people that have made the journey thus far the experience it has been. With that I would like to take the time to introduce you to the "great" people that have made this "kill" so memorable. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THIS IS A JOKE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MURDER ME IN MY SLEEP.
Acto
Not sure if Acto is still in the guild but at the very least he hangs out in Vent talking about Game of Thrones. Long ago he informed the online community he was a black man. To this day its assumed he is Italian and runs a pizza shop in California. He was last seen driving a golf cart around an empty parking lot yelling "I NEVER STAND IN FIRE!"
CPTN
The luckiest re-roll of the expansion. This man has managed to roll into the class with will be getting not one but 2 legendary weapons in the next content patch. When hes not standing in fire he spends his free time running a small business out of his Chicago apt. He exports attitude to small impoverished countries in desperate need for douchy comments. Business is booming as the recent temperament in the Middle East is a direct result of his skyrocketing sales of Chicagitude.
Valock
Valock was sent to the guild by a council of guilds on Ner'zhul to prevent SF from regaining the "better than you crown". Valock was sent through a year long training course teaching him the best ways to stand in shit that will get him killed. In his spare time he enjoys cutting up small worms with an exacto knife hoping to invent a hydra. He also has an insane knitting habit and has created a whole line of knitted clothing....for cats.
Kal
Russian drug dealer currently selling spice to teens in Canada. Believed to be a KGB spy trying to infiltrate American gaming communities, Kal has forsaken his duties in favor of a debilitating obsession with collecting vintage film cans. He is well known among the local film can collecting association (fcca). He will most likely end up murdering his family in a bout of insanity when his vintage 1983 grey-top deluxe film can is used to hiding some pot.
Denick (lol faggy gear bro)
Denick enjoys to the sound of his own voice, so much so he has completely circumvented his inbound audio so he only hears him self in his headset. This allows for in-depth conversations about game mechanics, strats and class concepts. Has been known to get into fierce arguments with the voice in his headset causing the great cheese wiz incident of 2010. Denick is currently employed as the local ginger tyrant. His duties involve leading ginger rallies against the sun and tips and tricks for sucking the soul out of the general population. It is suspected that he has a respiratory condition as he can constantly be heard in mumble exhaling deeply into the mic. No one knows what class he plays.
Zepp
Managed to get a job beating women, Zepp is prone to FREQUENT bouts of sandy vagina syndrome. Now currently science hasn’t come up with a name for this advanced state of vaginal drought. I think I can lend science a hand. This level of emo is now called Sahara crotch. Wikipedia entries are currently in the process of being updated with information on the new condition. On his time off Zepp enjoys intercourse with birds and inviting little girls into his house to watch My little pony, you see Zepp doesn’t like to enjoy ponies alone as the magical adventure is best when shared with friends. After the weeks episode ends Zepp provides a cookie to the young girls and sends them on their way. He is just a grown ass man watching a show about animated ponies.
Methios
This is the guild child, age is uncertain. It has been mentioned he can drive but that’s about all we know. He wasn’t actually good enough to get into the guild but raid comps deemed his abilities necessary, OH and we had no alternative. Meth has since moved on to telling men on the internet to "get at him". From the research done on this is is assumed this is how young males attract older gay males to buy them dinner at Denny then play steam boat captain in the parking lot. In 2011 he sold his sister to Cptn for a canoe of mountain dew.
Palin
The fearless leader, it's quite possible he runs the guild as a social experiment and will present his findings as a thesis paper. He spent many years as a mind wizard. Rumor has it he carries a washing machine around with him at all times the reasons are unknown. As a galactic mind wizard Palin spent many months trying to figure out how to actually get off the planet only to realize it was all a dream and the most he can currently hope for is controlling small groups of socially retarded people into combat. Palin is also rumored to be the only man alive able to bring back metal.
Nellorae
The socialist revolutionary leader of the fictional country in her head. Our resto kin spends a lot of her free time going for long walks hearing the color purple and having staring contests with dill relish. Rumor has it that she is indeed a real female though its never been proven. She is an absolute credit to the guild as she is singlhandedly our guild bank and keeps every member of the guild supplied with flasks and pots. Her mental state is in an advanced state of decay as she actually enjoys fishing in World of Warcraft. Soon she wont even remember her own name.
Fun fact: she runs a homeless shelter out of her couch.
Marrtyr
The Mage extraordinaire, when not talking about beer and cool down phases this man is a part time batman, leaping into action to assist old ladies with their air conditioning. He is the current leader of a hockey cult dedicated to the goal of acquiring the playoff beards of from all of the Washington Capitals. Marrtyr is known to be battling a vicious case of inappropriate sarcasm. Modern medicine is just now starting to work on a cure for this issue. It is believed to be a form of prolonged tourettes. Marrtyr took to the mage class naturally as he lost most of his fingers in a tragic ferret fighting accident. No one is sure what he will do if mages are someday required to hit more than one button.
HVAC
Patty
Imported from China to infiltrate groups of white males to learn their ways for the eventual invasion of north America by the Chinese. Arteria "the silent dragon" has managed to perfect a neural interface with world of warcraft. This has allowed him to be spike flails main tank, put out more DPSthan most guilds' all star performers AND multi box 7-8 other toons to fund his rabid funyon addiction. The likely-hood that he will end up murdering all members of the guild in the year 2012 nears 100%. Unsubstantiated rumors indicate in the year 2005 he merged bodies with his brother Hirokal onto a spider like mechanical platform[Fig 1]. They managed to perfect circular respiration.(plz don’t kill me)
Fig1
Rallik
Rallik was born in a lab in central Sweden. The the Swedish defense ministry was attempting to find a weapon to end war, as the swedes are bitches and never get involved in anything that may take them away from designing cheap dorm furniture. The result was a child lacking the proper blonde hair needed to be compatible with the IKEA war suppression automaton. The child was secretly shipped off to a swede splinter cell residing in that "don’t ya kno" part of the country. There the child grew and trained to be the greatest warrior the world has ever known. These days he can be seen sitting on his throne eating Swedish fish while commanding his trained ferrets to act out his favorite movies. Hes better than you, seriously.
TIER
As writing about yourself is painful and is about as uncomfortable as rubbing petroleum jelly all over your body I will only be posting an action shot.
Leatherworking is a sin. No one should ever level it. I mean fuck its just a shitty concept. Leatherworking? what are you gonna make leather bags and sell them in those shitty Indian stores.
Why this was late. It was a dark and cloudy Friday night, at the climax of content an internet gremlin cock stomped my internet into the ground. I had just wrapped up my first case of 18/16s and the writing was intense. i was fingering my keyboard harder than a dude that cant get it up but needs this chick to stay around. The most epic, brutal and hilarious status update was being forged out of straight genius ore. This was likely to be the best set of thoughts ever put into words. Children would create Halloween costumes in my honor. Women would need a stack of napkins in their pants and men would weep after reading the intro sentence. Sadly I fell the fuck asleep. Upon waking i realized that someone had hacked my computer and put the whole post into some cryptic language I couldn’t decipher. Realizing my decoding efforts were in vein I rewrote the whole thing. Basically i got super drunk and nothing made sense.
Love,
Tier
P.S. Like a boss
